Wrestling and Blessings

I am not going to lie, this year has been rough. For me, for many of you, our country, our climate, the world. We are in need of some blessings. Our readings offer us 2 ways to find some answers and blessings and I’m curious about which is your go-to. Wrestling or jumping into the abyss and trusting. 

This year in my personal world, a friend got quite sick in January and died at the end of February and I am the executor of her will. I’m still working through all the things that need to be handled. I had Shingles - it was awful with pain, itching and fatigue! Our dog Harley died quite suddenly in May, 3 hours before I was supposed to be here for worship. And 3 weeks ago today, my horse Bonnie was fine and then in extreme pain with a type of bowel obstruction and despite medication and treatment, her suffering was unbearable and we euthanized her 2 days later. Some beloved people here at CUCC have died this year and some of my patients in palliative care have died as well.  Grief seems to be my constant companion. 

If you aren’t aware, one of the consequences of the snow drought last winter is an extreme shortage of hay for horses and livestock and I’ve spent over a month trying to find hay to feed the herd through winter. I’ve lost sleep and scoured the internet and took photos of roadside signs that say hay for sale and then spent hours calling only to find they don’t have any left. I finally resorted to using a hay broker and am getting hay delivered next week from out of state and no, that isn’t cheap. 

We have a beautiful and mostly sweet and playful 16 week old puppy who I love dearly and she is a lot of energy and work when she turns into her shark, biting and jumping self. 

It’s a stressful time.

Meanwhile, our immigrant neighbors are being targeted, detained in horrendous conditions, and deported to places where they are not safe. Our Transgender neighbors are being targeted, harassed, kept off sports teams, and denied essential healthcare. Voting rights for all of us are being rolled back. People’s SNAP and medicaid benefits are being cut leaving them to wonder how to feed their family and access healthcare. Peaceful protestors have been shot at or killed, war is raging, and I could go on and on as you well know.

It has been a year of stress and loss in so many ways for many.

I am normally pretty resilient and creative and find the good in almost anything. And I have hit my wall in the last few weeks and yes, like Jacob I have been wrestling and now I am limping now internally. I have a lot of questions, anger, despair, grief, sadness, disbelief. Tears flow more in the last 2 months than in the last 5 years.  I guess I have been in my own wrestling match with God, with grief, with stress. Maybe you have too. And I’m curious about the blessings in all of this.

Turning to our scripture, Jacob has been wrestling his whole life. With his brother Esau on many occasions including in the womb of their mother and during childbirth; when Jacob tricked their father into giving him the blessing before he died that was supposed to go to Esau. With his wife Rachel over not bearing a child, and with his father in law Laban over wages, expectations, and treatment of Laban’s daughters/Jacob’s wives. He always seems to win these wrestling matches somehow though not without struggle, pain and suffering.

We pick up Jacob’s story in scripture today as he is leaving Laban with what he has accumulated - animals, wives, money and is heading home to meet his brother Esau who he has not seen since he cheated him from their father’s blessing. He expects Esau’s vengeance. So he splits up his family and goods into 2 camps and sends them ahead expecting one of them to be destroyed and he is left alone to wait to meet his brother.

And then suddenly, seemingly from nowhere, Jacob is wrestling with someone. All night long. Later we learn that Jacob is wrestling with God. They do not let each other go until Jacob asks for a blessing and he is blessed with a new name, Israel. Some translations translate that to “he wrestles with God” or the New Revised Standard Version Updated says, “you have striven with God and with humans and have prevailed.” 

Either way, a significant name change and one with which Jacob, now Israel, is content with as his blessing.

Jacob leaves the exchange different in many ways - he hurt his hip and now limps. He will live with that for the rest of his life. And his very powerful new name Israel that he was blessed with, became the beginning of a nation and basis for a religious movement of the people of God. Maybe this story is a reminder of the struggle we may inevitably have on this journey of faith and that sometimes it is a necessary part of our development and growth and we are forever changed due to our wrestling with God/the Holy/the Divine/Ultimate Love.

Scholars, Theologians, Rabbis and Pastors have a lot to say about this text.

Reflecting on this text, Hemchand Gossai writes, “If we do not struggle or wrestle with God, our faith remains at a very basic level, untested and unexamined.” (Hemchand Gossai, Barrenness and Blessing: Abraham, Sarah, and the Journey of Faith (Eugene, OR: Cascade, 2008))

Rabbi Barbara K Shuman writes, "Wrestling with God" is an intimate act, symbolizing a relationship in which God and I are bound together. My wrestling is a struggle to discover what God expects of me, and I am tied to the One who assists me in that struggle. This Divine embrace supports and sustains me, just as it compels and even commands me. My wrestling is a constant struggle to remain bound to the Mystery and, through my actions, to bring godliness into the world.” https://reformjudaism.org/god-wrestling  

Steve Garnaas-Holmes writes, https://unfoldinglight.net/2023/02/01/ot-18-2/   

     When we really wrestle with God, when we deeply engage all of ourselves, straining shoulder to shoulder, chest to chest with Love and its mystery and its demands and its paradoxes—it changes who we are. We walk away limping, reminded of our frailty, but blessed.

     “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” This is the cry of faith. Because all of our wrestling is with God, we know there is blessing in it. We just have to hang on till we receive it. What strength there is in facing all our struggles like that, whatever our trouble: “I will not let go until you bless me.” This doesn’t mean staying in a bad situation like an abusive relationship. It means not ignoring our pain, not dismissing or minimizing our struggles, not pretending “everything’s fine;” for our pain has something to teach us, our struggles have blessings hidden in them, even our failures impart wisdom.”

Wrestling is hard work. Even the staged matches you might see on TV. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes blood, sweat and tears. 

But I do wonder if there is another way, which is where our 2nd reading comes in. This poem came into my life in the early 90’s and I loved it from the moment I read it. It somehow got lost in moves and boxes but as I prepared for this sermon I remembered the line “wrest an answer from it all as Jacob did a blessing.” That line wouldn’t leave me and I knew I needed to find it because it had something for me. 

So 2 weeks ago I embarked on a quest to find it again and there it was both on my bookshelf in a book I acquired in 1992 and in an old journal from my seminary days also in the 90’s. And in a matter of 45 minutes, I found the poem and Erika found the author and got permission for us to share it. And Susan Ruach, the author, is watching us today via the miracle of livestream. 

There's another way of finding an answer - jumping off into the unknown and being open to how we are led. Maybe sometimes we don’t have to wrestle and struggle so hard to find an answer to our questions, dilemmas, or losses. 

I met with my Spiritual Director last week in the midst of a particularly difficult day emotionally. It was not our scheduled day or time, but I found myself spiralling emotionally and all my tools to regulate myself weren't working. I could have stayed in that continuing to wrestle in my mind and body, but I jumped into the figurative unknown, took a chance that she was available and she was. I didn’t want to keep struggling on my own with all my unresolved feelings, emotions, questions and over the course of the hour she listened, gently asked questions, offered some helpful insights and encouraged me to answer the question, “where is God in all of this?” I felt heard, lighter, calmer, known, and while my grief is still here, it is different and I know I am not alone. It was indeed a blessing to have that hour to reflect, pause and listen.

You know I look to the animals too, particularly horses, as guides and wisdom sharers. Sweetie, Clyde and Anu experienced the loss of Bonnie too and I watched them say goodbye to her and as they grieve. Certainly they are moving a little slower, they go and visit where she is buried, and the herd dynamics are evolving slowly. They are reminding me to slow down, to pause, to breathe, to stop the constant flow of what if’s and what did I miss thoughts in my mind. They are listening to their inner selves and trusting the flow, not blaming themselves or getting caught up in their mind. They eat, rest, move, work in programs though there is a palpable slowness right now. There is a tenderness in how they interact with one another and me. Clyde is eating with Sweetie more often instead of by himself which is what was the norm before. Anu and Sweetie were sharing in some mutual grooming the other morning which was extremely rare. And the 3 of them huddle together in the shelter in a new formation. 

This gentler form of change is a breath of fresh air for me and a great reminder that I don’t have to beat myself up, overthink, strategize, wrestle. That I can pause and breathe when I’m feeling sad or overwhelmed. Notice when people (and animals)  show up who want to listen and support me and let them rather than say “I’m fine” and pretend things are ok. To notice the birds, the clouds, the mountains or the butterfly that landed on a bush next to me with fresh eyes.

Blessings sometimes come after a time of wrestling and struggle, and sometimes they come in a more gentle way. Maybe both ways are necessary at different points in our lives. But here is the thing - to receive a blessing, we must be open to receive them. It is in fact, a choice … to wrestle or jump, to allow ourselves to be changed, to learn, to grow, and to receive a blessing. 

What is a blessing and why do we want them, need them, crave them? In his book, To Bless the Space Between Us, John O’Donohue says, “The word blessing evokes a sense of warmth and protection; it suggests that no life is alone or unreachable. … Though suffering and chaos befall us they can never quench that inner light of providence.” (p xiii)  He goes on. “When a blessing is invoked, it changes the atmosphere.  … The quiet eternal that dwells in our souls is silent and subtle; in the activity of blessing it emerges to embrace and nurture us.” (p xv)

Blessings mark a change in our lives like for Jacob. Sometimes blessings evoke the presence of God/the Holy for guidance or protection. Sometimes blessings are about gratitude. Blessings are always a gift. 

Blessings come in many forms. Sometimes literal words. Sometimes actions. Sometimes a combination. The day Bonnie died, several friends showed up to say good-bye and offer support to Jai and me. They offered us many blessings. Mary rode with me to bring her home from CSU. Cathy brought watermelon for us all to eat as we sat around sharing our memories. Chris helped me think when my brain wasn’t functioning. Jai hugged me just when I needed it. Janie said a prayer as we buried her because I couldn’t do it. Their presence, friendship, love, and support were all blessings. Blessings don’t have to be fancy or complicated.

When Nicole and I visit people, especially in the hospital or when they are in their dying process, we offer blessings. We bring prayer shawls made by some of you or anointing oil and we pray blessings of love, hope, guidance, and healing of all sorts.

However they come - after a time of wrestling and struggle or we take a leap of faith and jump into the abyss and trust we will be taken care of - blessings are gifts if we are open to receiving them. 

Beautiful people of God, when have you wrestled with God and what blessing did you receive? When have you jumped and trusted God would lead you to your answer and what blessing did you receive? 

Whether you wrestle or jump into the abyss finding yourself

Floating falling tumbling being led slowly and gently but surely to the answers God has for you watching the answers unfold before your eyes, 

May you be open and may you receive whatever blessing God has awaiting for you.